Double Trouble

Checking in on this Tuesday evening with a giant recap of my jam-packed weekend. Get your glass of wine ready to go with this reading material πŸ™‚

Monday was way too full of work, running, cooking and cleaning to fit in a solid writing session so I postponed blogging until today. When I woke up this morning, I promised myself that I would not go to sleep until I published a recap blog post. Knowing myself, I decided to wait to write until I was relaxed for the evening. Now that I’m feeling accomplished after a good run, some tasks on my to-do list, and a hearty appetizer of popcorn….I’m ready to finally get comfy in my fuzzy chair and relive the incredible weekend I just had. Approximately 17 candles are burning around my apartment, Gilmore Girls is playing for background noise, and I traded my knee high boots for fuzzy socks.

Friday morning I woke up SUPER early (4:50am) for morning cardio workout with my mom. We alternated on the stationary bike and the row machine, with some core strength exercises in between. It left my butt feeling so sore (not sure if that’s from the workout or just the uncomfortable bike seat. Why can’t they make seats that are cushy instead of little bruise-making strips?) After an hour of sweating, I got ready for my favorite day of the work week.

Since I got to work so early, I left the office a little before 4pm ready for a TRIPLE DATE with my boyfriend Zeb, a close girlfriend Sarah, Sarah’s new beau, and a couple I’d never met before. Zeb picked me up from my apartment so we could drive together, and we listened to Joe Rogan stand-up comedy along the way. He makes both of us LAUGH OUT LOUD. Dinner reservations were at one of my personal favorite restaurants, a modern sushi bar.

Sushi is my favorite. I also think it’s such a date-friendly food….nothing to get stuck in your teeth, like salad. And nothing to aggressive, like a burger or a sub. (I take this very seriously. Even after 5 months, I’m still too self-conscious to bite into a mile high burger in front of him hahaha.)

The six of us laughed so hard over a round of cocktails, and by the time we left the restaurant I felt like the third couple went from strangers to friends. So we just traveled a block up the road to a local corn maze.

Here. In the parking lot of an Idaho family corn maze and pumpkin patch. Here is where I had my first sip of moonshine. Apple pie moonshine, to be exact, and it tasted better than a pumpkin spice latte. Holy cinnamon, this stuff is dangerous. It’s pure sweet cinnamon, but apparently it’s 198 proof and I’m not trying to stumble around a corn maze so I had to use real will power to not chug a full mason jar. Sarah’s date had home-brewed a batch and brought 3 mason jars for our triple date, which was the most festive way for anyone above 18 to enjoy a pumpkin patch πŸ˜‰

We bought passes for the Field of Screams at 10pm, but had a couple hours to kill first. The corn maze changes every year, and this year is was cut in the shape of Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head. Appropriate for Idaho, no? Our group of six ventured into the field of corn stalks in the dark, mason jars in the pockets of the boys. My boyfriend is a pilot who flies private small planes recreationally, and he flew over the field for a “cheat code” the week before….we still had to cut directly through the tall stalks and hope to goodness not to run into any spider webs to make it out πŸ˜‚

The field of screams is a corn maze with creepy costumed characters and tons of effects. That stuff really gets to me….so I definitely girly-screamed a half a dozen times. I even ripped my pants on a chain link fence when one of the creepy guys jumped out at us 😦 RIP my favorite jeans. (Get it? Lol)

the six of us BONDED in that maze, so we weren’t about the let the night end. Our designated driver took us all to a local country bar where we line danced and two-stepped to everything from Footloose to Bruno Mars. I was having an amazing time until the exhaustion from the day and waking up at 4:50am hit me. All of a sudden I went from jamming on the dance floor with Sarah and Zeb to half-asleep and craving my bed. The moment it hit was so noticeable. We sat at a high top table with six bar stools with a group that I loved being around, but we sat right in front of a wall length mirror. I caught of glimpse of myself. After hours of corn mazes and dancing and moonshine. And I’m not going to lie, I looked a little….disheveled as my boyfriend calls it. It made me want to cry. I think the tiredness was mostly to blame, because I’ve been really proud of how hard I’ve been working on building a positive self image. Apparently, 1am is my limit on a work night I guess! I needed a good night’s sleep.

Saturday morning….the morning of no alarm clock, is a glorious glorious thing. I felt so refreshed when I woke up, but I was also fully aware of what a somber day lay ahead.

A close friend and fellow pilot of my boyfriend, who I was fortunate enough to visit on a couple of occasions over the summer, tragically passed away in an accident recently. Saturday was his memorial. He was a local business owner so his ceremony was held in his warehouse with about 800 other guests. I attended the memorial in support of Zeb, who experienced the loss much deeper than I did. But the messages given by the 5 speakers in the ceremony still spoke to my soul so strongly.

One of the speakers had a powerful story related to Tom that culminated in a message we can all benefit from. He talked about Tom’s philanthropic attitude, and asked us to reflect on our own intentions. He asked us…. “when you look in the mirror, do you like who you see?” Wow. I immediately thought about myself 12 hours before in the bar.

Gosh how loudly I heard that message. Out of the 90 minutes of powerful messages that we heard that afternoon, this is the one sentence that still stands out to me so strongly because it’s something I think about every day of my life.

Do you like what you see in the mirror? Do you like what you see in the selfie camera? Does that compare whatsoever to what kind of person you are? Does that compare to the impact that your personality has on your loved ones? Is your spirit and your energy more beautiful than your exterior?

I let my exterior mirror reflection impact my mood on Friday night. I prematurely ended my triple date fun because the reflection didn’t match my what I desired to look like. So when the minister specifically asked us about our satisfaction with our reflection in the mirror the next day…..I didn’t let that question pass lightly. I thought about myself as a person, beyond the physical reflection in the mirror. Yes. Yes, I love who I am. I love my personality, even with its forgetful quirks. I love the intense work I’ve done to remove anything negative from my life so that I can focus on being the positive and optimistic person I am today.

The difference between personality and appearance? One is entirely up to our own control, and the other is only partially in our control. Of the things that I can control, I love my reflection. Among many other things, the funeral service reminded me of that. I need to stop ruining perfectly amazing moments with worries over uncontrollable aspects of my reflection. The rest of the evening was spent in full appreciation of the moment with my boyfriend and his loved ones, celebrating Tom and making new memories of our own.

Including karaoke…..

The only way I was able to belt out Shania Twain’s “Any Man Of Mine” in front of a bar of strangers was my swearing our friends to NO videos so I don’t have any documentation of our performances that night πŸ˜‰ but we entertained the bar with our own renditions of “Did I Really Shave My Legs For This”, Alanis Morissette and Carrie Underwood. That is potentially the bravest thing I’ve done πŸ˜…

Sunday was another double date for Zeb and I. I love love love getting together with other couples and gaining new guy and girl friends. Our new couple friends actually met us through Instagram! Crazy, but before we were friends through social media they found my instagram account on a location tag and reached out for recommendations on recreation in the local Idaho area. We realized that all 4 of us spent a brief time living in Arizona before moving to Idaho and all now lived in the same small town. We’ve hung out before but Sunday we decided to meet at a local Mexican restaurant.

Thankfully we had skinny margaritas to tide us over for our especially slow service.

Zeb and I loved getting to know another couple in our neighborhood and having a double date night at a local favorite restaurant. It was a weekend full of people that we loved being around. And I think that was key in a week of having some personal introspection on love and loss. I’m so grateful for everyone in my life right now.

That brings us to today. Back to a normal Tuesday. Last night I ran around the neighborhood while Zeb rode his bike next to me to keep me company.

I don’t take these moments for granted. Today, when I looked in the mirror, I pointed out all the things I LIKED to myself. My leg muscles from running hundreds of miles. My scars from proving to myself that I can heal from anything. My smile for its crooked quirkiness, breaking through in so many moments that make me happy every day.

Xo, Kenz.

2 thoughts on “Double Trouble

  1. Oh my goodness girl. You are BEAUTIFUL inside and out!! I am humbled and beyond impressed to know you and be a witness to the work you’re doing to heal and fully step into who you are. Proud of you sister.


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